U.S. Catholicism: Varghese Pamplanil – Letter to the Editor

The reproducing of the article of Bill McCormick S.J. in CCV seems rather irrelevant in the Indian context. In which manner, the Kerala Catholics, a minuscule segment of the Indian population, by and large, an uninformed lot and uninterested on matters not right under their noses: cleverly misguided, misled and manipulated by the ecclesiastical, will be benefited by the article is the moot point? Will the muttonhead “sheep” make any sense of it? Doubtful? How many of the “Doctor” prelates will trouble themselves to analyse, understand and mull over the implications of submissions of McCormick? Not many likely.


At the moment, the clergy seems to be more worried about the dwindling money flow into the “kakkathollayiram” collection boxes installed in front of thousands of statues of hundreds of “so called” saints. By the way the pedigrees of many such characters seem suspect! There may even be collection boxes, in front of each and every pole carrying electric power? Most of the clerics of the Zero Church appear preoccupied in making money to have food and drinks including “spirit-ual” ones to fill their ever hungry stomachs. Where is the time to pay attention to what transpires in far away USA or Timbuktu?


It may be a foolhardy enterprise to try to instil some sense into the stale brains of big guns of o Kerala Church, who always seem to be busy in devising schemes for money grabbing from the faithful? In the given circumstances, they may be thinking “ponnurukkinnadatthu poochekku enthu karyam”?

Can any one expect the money crazy clergy of the Zero Churches paying any attention to the encyclical “Fratelli Tutti” (on “Human Fraternity”) of Pope Francis? Not a fat chance. The document, in all likelihood , would be buried deep among the church kitsch!

About the average idiotic Zero Malabar believers less said the better. Most of the Zero Catholic Church folks seems to have no “ allthamasam” under their skulls. They are jolly happy and content to lap up the nonsense shown in Shalom T. V. and the lies printed in it’s sister publications. At the most they may opt for reading the half truths and trivia in other church bulletins. They appear to be keen on lapping up, with relish, the charades and utter lies of Shekinah T.V. and similar channels? For the average believers, these are the “Words” of their God?

In these times of coronavirus, the clerics would be raking their brains to devise ways to “fleece” the “sheep” of their Gandhiji embedded Reserve Bank I.O.Us; in short, bearer promissory notes issued by RBI; otherwise known as bank notes. Incidentally nobody, other than RBI can legally issue a bearer promissory note.

How these clerical guys, who live among people mainly engaged in the cultivation of crops and businesses call themselves “shepherds”; the uppity bishops carrying “crooks” to guide the imaginary sheep under their control?


But, “don’t worry, Mustafa”, the “dumb sheep” believers whose craniums are filled with clay to the brim, would be bound to relish eating the dung discharged by the diarrhoea infested clergy; of course, that too on payment of hard cash till the last rupee coin in their pockets; least, they are warned (?) will be dumped into the bottom most part of the ever burning “seven level dungeon, the “Inferno”of Dante.

It seems, after all, COVID-19 may have its last ghoulish eerie laugh of Mephistopheles before its retreat? As things stand now, the pandemic will be ravaging humans for a long time resulting in empty pews in the vastly spacious praying areas of gargantuan churches constructed by looting the gullible? No doubt, the religious business, with no capital out lays the most lucrative money spinner for the clerics? In their anvil, they have forged efficacious tools to draw out the very last drop of life blood of their unsuspecting followers. They have devised, clever cunning methods too to siphon off funds from church kitty facilitated by the absence of oversight standards and accountability.

Hold your breath: despite the periodic loud wailing appeals to the Christian God, when it come to the fury of nature, there is no escape: the upright arm of the statue of Christ installed at the pinnacle of the Kanjirappally Cathedral was knocked out by a recent thunderbolt, despite the remodelling of its alter, at cost exceeding One Crore of rupees and the installation of a gold plated “Manichaean Persian origin “‘Clover Cross”’. In the process the aesthetically done normal cross in teakwood panelled beautiful Alter was torn down.

Please have a look at the ludicrous scenario in the Kerala Catholic Church. The Chenganachery lot with their “clover cross” of Persian- Manichaean origin — say Mass with their buttocks directed at the “Holy of the Holies” and the Ernakulam – Angamaly outfit, with another “cross”, do the same thing with their behinds for the congregation to ogle at. Then there is a Malankara set, which enjoys the best of married life and priesthood simultaneously. The other group is Latin Catholics. Each of these groups and subgroups have their Cardinals, Archbishops, bishops, chancellors, separate headquarters, pastoral centres, collection centres, budgets, accountants, clerks, tax evader experts to sanctify huge briberies collected for appointments and admissions in church run colleges, school and other educational institutions. Various types of leaches, hangers-on, nobodies, unemployed, unemployable “va-nokkies” crawl around in the vast corridors of hundreds of pastoral centres spread across Kerala and beyond.

If one wants to witness Christian brotherhood make an in-depth study of what happens in the corridors of pastoral centres. Leg pulling, back biting, snapping at the heels of fellow clerics, name calling, spreading canards about fellow cassock wearers, boot licking and such other Holy (?) deeds have been fine-tuned and elevated to very sophisticated art form. (I am speaking from the experience at close quarters, rest assured).


Numerous permutations and combinations of factions and groups exist in the Kerala Churches. “Vadakkumbhagam” outfit members claim that in CE 52, their forefathers were baptised by none other thanThomas the apostle of Jesus from the gentile “Namboothiries”. It is claimed that the Namboothiries were awestruck by some gimmicks of Thomas. Unfortunately history is not on the side of this fictitious yarn. The population of Malabar was not even Hindus in the first century of the Common Era, let alone high class Namboothiries.

It was Paul of Tarsus who recruited “gentiles” to his brand of Christianity and that too within the confines of the Roman Empire. Then who was this “owl” (“moonga”) who flew all the way from Galilee or Jerusalem over the Arabian Sea in search of its prey?

The “thekkumbham” a.k.a “ pure blood — Kananaya” fellows form another group. Both Vadakkumbhagum and Thekkumbhagam fellows claim racial superiority. They may better search their genetic profile. The unraveling of their genes may give them rude shocks with the result they could be hiding their faces behind thick black purdah for ever. The false edifices built on wild conjecture may come crashing down on them burying them deep in inescapable rubble? This writer’s understanding: we all belong to the human species Homo Sapiens who originated in the Rift Valley Africa some 200,000 years ago and migrated to various parts of the Earth during the “Great Dispersal” around 70,000 or so years ago. Another take on the subject: the Homo Sapiens inter bred with the Neanderthals who emerged in Europe some 30,000 years ago and then vanished.

The Latin Catholics were referred to as “puthuchristianies” till the recent past; they were disallowed to mingle with the snooty Syrian Christians; in the Suriani churches, they were segregated and marginalised to the far corners of the churches and referred to in derogatory terms.

What a strange creature the Kerala Catholic Church is; Jossutty bishop doesn’t like Matthachen bishop; both envy Baby Archbishop. The Pala Catholic look down upon at Kanjirappally one, both dislike Catholics beyond Aluva.

Less said the better of Catholics outside Kerala borders. The Goan Catholic chap, the “maska-pav” eater smelling of cashew feni and who wears a three piece suit with a bow tie in the hot humid sweltering heat and dances with his equally sweating madam look down upon the Kerala Catholic as a boorish barbarian. About the brotherhood of Christian, less said the better; they look at the other denominations with extreme hatred, bordering to madness. Each outfit claims to be the true inheritors of Jesus-cum-Christ. One may even be uncertain as to which guy they are referring to.

My very dear friend James why not for a change, talk about the quality and price of tomatoes, onion and fishes instead of bothering about the pope and WASPS and all that. In the meanwhile let us watch the merry go round and enjoy the fun to the hilt?

Varghese Pamplanil

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